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How to assertively request a behaviour change
Do you get annoyed, yet avoid confrontation, when someone repeatedly does something that bothers you, rather than addressing it early? Would a process that allows you to be assertive without being pushy (or being pushed) be useful?
This mission of this monthly newsletter is to capture and distribute what we at The People Engagement Experts have picked up that passes as wisdom in a form that is directly practical and useful. What trainers like me might call 'takeaways'. Things like infographics, checklists, and templates. Books, presentations and training courses are great (as an author, speaker & trainer, I would say that) but most days they're a bit much and people have work to do. This newsletter will feature one short-form tool each month. This month, it’s DENBA – an assertive behaviour change request technique.
In workshops I run on conflict, teams, and difficult conversations, I use an old-school conflict styles survey based on needs (theirs vs yours). Then, when picking which of compete, collaborate, compromise, accommodate or avoid is the right tactic for the person and situation, we need to consider how much time do we have, how much do we care about the relationship, and what are the scale of the consequences? The takeaway I try to generate is that this is indeed a choice, and we should make the best one we can under the conditions. However, the space between stimulus and response is often small and we plunge back to our learned defaults, which may not be appropriate.
I almost always run these courses with new or frontline leaders and the overwhelmingly ‘winner’ for most common style is avoidance.
Temporary or tactical avoidance may well be appropriate for physical or psychological safety reasons, or when the other person had a deadline and you didn’t. The collaboration style is high on your needs and high on the other person’s needs. It is literally called ‘win-win’. So, there must, by definition, be a ‘lose-lose’. There is. It’s the one low on your own needs and low on the needs of the other person. It’s ‘avoid’. And that’s the most common one. So, there’s a huge latent potential for improved teamwork and productivity if we can reduce non-tactical and non-temporary avoidance.
Having a simple, easy-to-remember structured process will help you in what might be a tense or anxiety-inducing minor conflict in assertively requesting a behaviour change from someone else. The DENBA process can help you clarify, organise and present your position to someone whose behaviour needs to be changed, yet you still need to be OK as much as possible. It moves from the negative present unacceptable behaviour to the positive desired future behaviour.
Hey, it's a one-page infographic; it's not comprehensive. Behind it are research and examples that don't fit the space. But, you get the idea, and that's the point of infographics - getting the idea. And, the idea here is...
...consistently practising, initially in a small low-risk way a structured behaviour-change request approach to get the best outcome for you and the other party, with all parties feeling OK about the process and themselves.
Have a crack. Let me know how you get on, and any thoughts on the concept or practice.
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